Thought Leadership

Of course, suicide is a complex phenomenon with no single cause. However, data from the Jockey Club Centre for Suicide Research and Prevention at the University of Hong Kong, among others, points to one powerful protective factor: a strong, supportive family.

Herein lies the paradox. Without a doubt, parents in Hong Kong are deeply devoted to their children. They ferry their children to school, drill them in homework, pack their weekends with enrichment classes and meticulously map out their futures. The cost of raising a child in Hong Kong is indeed very expensive. Yet, walk into any home and you are likely to hear the anguished cry: “I’ve given you everything; why do you still feel I don’t understand you?”

Science increasingly tells us that a parent’s love is not enough. The crucial variable is whether the child actually feels that love and support. This is what some researchers might call parent-child incongruence. Alarmingly, a wealth of literature shows that parents and children frequently have wildly different views of their relationship.

This gap – also known as parent-child discrepancy – has traditionally been viewed as a red flag for family dysfunction. Things would be even more difficult for households with single parents, stepparents and such, which have become increasingly common in the past decades.

However, the stakes are even higher than we imagined. Studies based on children and adolescents reveal that these perceptual gaps are not just correlated with real-time emotional states; they are powerful predictors of future psychological resilience and academic achievement.

For one study published recently, we observed 88 mainland Chinese families with children aged six to 11. We had them complete interactive tasks while recording their emotional expressions and physiological reactions. The findings were striking. When children felt closer to their parents than the parents thought they were – in other words, when the child’s perception was more positive – the children exhibited significantly more positive emotions and warmer, happier interactions.

In contrast, when parents and children agreed that the relationship was distant, the children tended to severely internalise and externalise problems. Most tellingly, the larger the perceptual gap regarding closeness, the weaker the child’s physiological capacity to regulate stress during challenging tasks.

This suggests that a child’s subjective sense of closeness acts as a psychological safe base, enabling them to explore the world and express their true selves. If we only look at a relationship from the parent’s perspective, we are missing half the story.

The second study, surveying over 4,000 Hong Kong adolescents, adds a nuanced layer. It found that when parents and teenagers agreed that parental emotional support was high, the adolescents were in better moods and excelled academically. Intriguingly, the study found that a perception gap during adolescence is not always detrimental. Greater discrepancies characterised by girls perceiving parental support more positively than their parents reported were associated with lower levels of emotional problems among girls. Such discrepancies may reflect a healthy developmental process, whereby adolescents increasingly develop the ability to express emotions, seek support and establish greater psychological autonomy.

These two studies offer a vital lesson to every family: the most essential nutrient for a child’s growth is never a perfect educational strategy, but a relationship that makes them feel seen, supported and accepted.

Also, the results of an unpublished study we conducted on suicide notes in Hong Kong suggested that some of our young people have their own aims, expectations and life objectives, which sometimes might not be aligned with those of their parents or guardians. There is a strong sense of hopelessness.

Link to the paper: https://www.scmp.com/opinion/hong-kong-opinion/article/3358851/suicide-risk-and-danger-hong-kongs-children-not-feeling-loved